Gil! It's time for breakfast!
I'm coming!
Who are you supposed to be? Cleopatra again?
No, I'm Marie Antoinette.
Well, you don't look very grand.
I'm in the tumbrel on my way to the guillotine.
Can we watch "Gone With The Wind" today?
I brought the tapes.
Certainly not. That movie is four hours long.
Three hours and forty minutes.
I told you we'd watch it on the first rainy day.
Let's go shopping.
I have to wait for the next loser to arrive.
Standards have certainly gone downhill since I was a nurse.
What's this one's name?
Jan, or Janice. Something like that.
I'll be dead before she arrives -
dead and buried!
I thought you didn't want to be buried.
That's right. I don't.
And the minute I croak, Betty has the phone number
the hospital will whisk me away and that's the end of me.
I was gonna send these to a thrift shop,
but maybe I should have willed these plates to someone.
I want your gold charm bracelet.
I told you you're getting it.
It's in my safe deposit box until you're 21.
Some day you'll be able to give it to your wife.
Why can't I have it now?
I'm not going to give a kid a gold charm bracelet.
Ten to one you'll lose it!
No, I won't! I'll keep it in a jewelry box.
It'll help me remember you.
You're full of shit.
Gil, you know you're a big, fat liar?
What?
You promised you'd go swimming today.
I've paid for 12 swimming lessons and I'm going to be
very mad if this summer ends and you're still dog paddling.
I don't see what's so important about learning to swim.
Everyone has to be self-sufficient
and know how to swim, type and drive!
I don't want you ending up a recluse,
watching old movies on television all day.
There's a swimming class at two o'clock.
Put your suit on.
Wait! I'm getting a cold.
My nose is stuffed up...
I need a Tums.
A Tums is for your tummy.
Well, I'm feeling sort of nauseous, too.
You must think I'm a complete idiot.
I'm serious. I don't feel well.
Tomorrow you're going swimming - and no excuses!
Ahh!
Why do you scream?
You scared me.
Is this your house?
Yes. Who are you?
I've been sent from the agency.
What agency?
Are you the nurse?
Mrs. Aronson is your grandmother?
Yes.
She's in her room upstairs. Everyone's asleep.
Where are you from? You have an accent.
Who else lives here?
Just me, my grandmother and Betty, our housekeeper.
She came with us from New York. Is that where you're from?
You come here every summer?
Yeah, unfortunately.
Why didn't you call? My grandmother was very worried.
Where are your parents?
I've never had a father.
My mother didn't think that was important.
She died six years ago.
How long have you been a nurse?
Where is my room?
This is my grandmother's room.
Mine is on the left and Betty's is right down the hall.
She gets up very early to make my grandmother's breakfast.
Of course, my grandmother gets up even earlier.
She says since she's been sick
she's lost all sense of day and night.
This is your room.
My mother did that painting when she was in college.
Are you interested in art?
I draw, but writing is really my passion.
Do you like old movies?
Oh... Are you... ?
Is it... time?
Time, Mrs. Aronson?
You're from—
Denmark. I'm Jan.
There was some confusion as to the time of my arrival.
In this light... I thought you were the grim reaper.
Are you a registered nurse?
Oh, yes.
You need more pillows.
I don't really like--
I want your head lifted. That's important.
There's a smell of damp.
Mildew. It's everywhere.
I don't much care for that.
The bedpan, I presume?
We can find better.
You think?
Ja... I think.
Excuse me?
I'm Jan, the nurse.
What happened to Jan?
That I could not tell you.
I imagine you must be Betty.
What are you doing?
Making a breakfast for my lady.
Well, the lady is very particular about what she eats,
which is practically nothing. I'll fix the breakfast!
What goes in and comes out of my patient is very much my concern.
She has a bad reaction to dairy products.
There is no dairy in this.
You should have slippers on.
What's in it? It looks disgusting.
It's one of those vitamin drinks.
My grandmother doesn't believe in vitamins.
- She hates that shit. - I beg your pardon.
She calls it "woo woo." Shirley MacLaine.
Weird! She won't drink it.
Let me go in first. You're not what she expected.
Good morning.
Jan, you've met my little group?
Oh, yes.
Let's see what you've cooked up here.
I'm dubious.
Mmm... it's nice and cold.
Is there ice cream in here?
No. It's made from rice.
And yet it's so rich and creamy.
And it has a kind of wonderful, nutty taste.
Flaxseed oil.
I never go anywhere without my magic ingredients.
Betty is an ice cream nut. Take a sip.
That's all right.
I have a constant craving for something cold.
How did you know that?
Nursing is about anticipation.
Well, today is bath day.
When you're ready, give me a holler.
Mrs. Aronson is already bathed.
Oh, Betty, don't look so shocked.
It was the most exciting thing that's happened to me in years.
I've had it!
He barks orders at me like I'm some coffee shop dishwasher.
I won't be treated that way!
Betty, the rod is crooked.
And he pushes this one around like he's in boot camp.
There's nothing wrong with a little discipline.
Gil, take off my turban.
You're gonna get it all stretched out.
Betty, it's all bunched up on one side.
I thought we were gonna have a fun summer.
I thought it was gonna be, you know, just us.
And he's always there -
always wanting to do things his way.
Well, I have my own ways, thank you very much.
It's too late now for me to be pushed around by this...
Nazi!
He's very good with me. I like having a male nurse.
Hmm... if you can call him male.
Jan is the first health care person I can count on
since this torture began. You want me to fire him?
Please?
Gil, it's time you grew up.
And Betty, it's time you acted your age.
Gil, I let you get away with murder.
You promised you'd make every effort to learn to swim.
All right, all ready! I'm tired of hearing about it.
Then do it! Today!
That Mrs. Kupchunas teaches Mondays, Wednesdays
and Fridays at two o'clock.
I hate her and I hate that place.
You have the worst genes in the world.
Cancer, heart disease, diabetes.
It all runs in our family!
If you don't exercise, I promise you, you will drop dead
of a heart attack before the age of 50!
Okay! I'll swim.
This is the worst summer of my entire life.
Stroke and stroke.
Breathe.
That's right, Mr. Horowitz. Very good.
Travis, pay attention.
Right and left and right, inhale.
Almost, Gil. Good.
Travis!
Gil, face in the water.
Stop it! I'm drowning!
Gil, Mr. Horowitz and Travis are already pollywogs.
You're going to stay a tadpole until you master this.
When that right arm comes up, you take a breath.
Water.
I beg your pardon, Mr. Horowitz?
Water, warm.
Gil, did you pee-pee in the pool?
Gil, where are you going? We still have 20 minutes left.
No way!
Get back in the pool, young man, now!
No!
but don't drown it. And the right fertilizer can
make all the difference in the world.
particularly in the beginning. It's a tough little cookie.
I can't believe what I'm seeing.
You actually got into the pool?
Yes. And I'm never going back.
What do I do about that?
Well, today's the day.
What's today?
The first rainy day.
You promised we'd watch "Gone With The Wind" together.
Oh, I'm so sorry, honey. I just can't.
Why not?
I can't take any sound right now.
My head is bursting.
Just watch a little and I bet you'll get into it.
Please, honey. Let's watch it another time.
But I want to watch it today.
Turn that off!
Turn it off right now. I mean it!
No! You promised!
Your grandmother is not well today.
Go to your room and read or work on your writing.
You're always sick when I need you to do something.
- I can't fight with you today. - Why did we have to come here?
I hate this house! I hate this whole summer!
Come on! Watch the movie with me!
Please! Please!!
What am I gonna do?
WATCH THE MOVIE!!!!
Let go of me!
What are you doing? Let go of me!!
What's your problem? I can't stand you!
I'm so humiliated.
Gil, you're making such a mess!!
Why are you cutting up all those nice old magazines?
They could be valuable.
Oh, Betty, cool it.
I'm sure he'll make something wonderful out of it.
He always does.
I'm going into town to pick up your prescriptions.
Gil, care to join me?
Gil, take a walk with Jan. You need some air.
I want to finish this.
Finish it later. I want you to get some sun.
But put a hat on.
All right.
And straighten up and stop slumping.
You just wait. You're gonna have
a great big hump on your back by the time you're 40.
I saw you roll your eyes just now!
- Walk faster. - It's hot.
Don't you ever sweat?
Only commonplace people sweat.
- Are you some kind of snob? - Absolutely not.
I have pity for low-class people
who cannot control their sweat glands.
At the end of the summer I hear you'll be going to Florida.
Yeah.
Are you close to these relatives?
Met 'em once. Three times.
Grandma says they're well-meaning simpletons,
whatever that is.
Perhaps you'd prefer going to a boarding school.
I'd rather eat my own tongue.
Let's turn here.
So then you are dismissing the entire state of Florida?
Not the state... just the people that live there.
Where the hell are we?
We're taking a shortcut so you won't die of heat prostration.
Shall we go in and dip our feet in the pool?
We can't do that. That's trespassing.
You don't have much of a sense of adventure, do you?
This is good.
Reminds me somewhat of the Cote D'Azur.
- What's that? - The south of France.
When were you there?
When I was dancing,
we would do a season every year in Monte Carlo.
- You were a ballet dancer? - Modern dancer.
I don't know why I'm telling you this.
You never seem very interested in anyone but yourself.
I've asked you a zillion questions,
but you never answer them.
I'm interested in conversation, not an interrogation.
In St. Tropez there was a gorgeous stretch of beach
where we could sunbathe nude.
Everyone was naked? Boys and girls together?
We were dancers. It was perfectly natural.
In Scandinavia we are raised to sit
in the sauna with our families.
The whole family gets naked together?
I had no idea you were so provincial.
What are you doing? He'll kick us out.
May I help you, Miss?
I'd like a Perrier, with a lime. And Gil, what are you drinking?
A coke?
Take your hand away from your face.
You look like a criminal.
He called you "Miss."
I really hadn't noticed.
Go dip your feet in the pool
and tell me if the water is cold or tepid.
It's pretty warm.
I'd go in if I had my bathing suit.
Here is your bathing suit.
- How'd you get it? - Put it on.
There's no place to change.
Cover yourself with this. No one will see.
These people have many other concerns.
What are you making?
It will let itself be known.
I think it's going to be a scarf.
You may very well be correct.
It really is warm.
What's the name of the actress in the old movies?
She's always in the water, in beautiful color.
Esther Williams?
Ja, Esther Williams. She always makes me laugh.
She keeps smiling even when she's underwater.
Then she rises out of the swimming pool
with all sorts of flaming torches around her
and she still has this big, fat smile on her face.
I wish you could do that. That would be amusing.
Let me try.
No! I don't want you to get ill.
I'm gonna do it.
I really don't think you should.
Oh, that was very funny.
Let me try it again.
Oh, I like that.
There was a beautiful dance by the Ballet Russes
about swimming, called Le Train Bleu.
The story was by Cocteau.
The backdrop curtain was painted by Picasso.
The costumes were by Chanel.
Tres chic. Tres elegant.
My grandmother sometimes wears Chanel Number Five.
Of course she does.
You should swim as if you were dancing "Le Train Bleu"
for Monsieur Diaghilev.
It doesn't look like you're dancing.
That's because I'm in the water.
Kick your feet more - little, gentle kicks.
Round the arm...
From your shoulder down to the fingers.
Give me beautifully arched fingers.
It's a more elegant line if you dip your face in the water.
- When do I breathe? - Forget about the breathing.
He's gotta breathe.
When he has to breathe, he will breathe.
Tuck your head down like a swan.
Then raise it up out of the water to see the sky.
Bravo!
You see? He swims like a champion.
What are you looking for?
A beauty salon that is somewhat disreputable,
but not too hideous.
I wonder.
Is this a full-service salon?
Depends what you mean by full service.
Do you do eyelash tinting?
It's against the law, you know.
Ja.
You've had this done before?
Ja.
Who told you to come here?
Intuition.
Get inside. Lee, draw the blinds.
I still say you should've used deep black on those brows.
Lee, the man doesn't want to look like Joan Crawford.
Okay?
There's a big article here on ballet.
Jan used to be a dancer.
I am a great devotee of the dance.
I went to the ballet all the time when I lived in Philly.
He was a modern dancer.
If you can't stick a dollar in their g-strings,
I ain't interested.
Lee, don't be so crass.
Okay, we leave this on for ten minutes.
Your eyelashes are really long.
Ah, look, the young Hitler.
Kid, you could use a trim. On the house.
Can you put streaks in?
Don't you dare.
And don't use the clippers - just a scissors.
Fraulein Maria, we're ready for you
to start singing "My Favorite Things" now.
Don't worry. Lee is a genius hair cutter.
I keep expecting he's gonna give notice and pick up
and move to Atlantic City to be with the boyfriend.
Glenda!
I can't believe you just outed me in front of the kid.
Well, suffice to say, my better half, Randy,
does live in Atlantic City.
He has a fantastic apartment. But that's our problem.
We have completely different tastes in decor.
He loves clutter and heavy Victoriana,
whereas I am more into black and white deco
and clean lines. I guess there's a possibility-
How long will this go on?
I think that dye needs to stand for another five minutes.
I meant your story.
Ta-da!
Keep your face in the water a bit longer.
Count to ten, and then lift up.
I've had enough. I'm getting out.
You've been in the water five minutes.
I thought you were beginning to enjoy this a little.
Forget it. I just can't do it.
What are you rebelling against?
Me?
I don't care if you learn to swim.
Your grandma?
She'll be gone in a few months.
What do you want? To be stronger?
That's always good.
I don't know. I'm confused.
Don't be confused!
A serious person knows what is important to him.
All right. I'll swim...
just to the middle and that's it.
Is that your son?
I work for his grandmother.
Maybe I'll try to get to the end.
If you think that's best.
You have an interesting method of teaching swimming.
Francais?
De Montreal.
- Et you? - Denmark.
How long are you staying here?
We don't belong here. We just use the pool.
I won't tell anyone.
Shall we join him in the water?
I don't know how to swim.
Does the boy know that?
So many secrets.
Excellent improvement over yesterday.
This is--
Gilles.
That's funny. His name is Gil.
Gilles, Gil.
Gil, Gilles.
- Very amusing. - Ha, ha.
And you? Your name?
It's Jan.
I'm getting cold. Let's go back.
I'm here just for the weekend
with my sister and her girlfriend.
We're leaving tomorrow.
It's rather lonely being one man with two lesbians.
Do you have any plans for the evening?
Speak English!
Gil, your cousin Carol just called.
She's going to be in New York on business and she thought
while she's up north she'd pay us a visit.
She's bringing Larry with her.
That's her son?
He's a couple of years older than Gil.
It'll be good to get know them better
before you go down there.
They're such dullards.
Dullards? Where'd you get that from?
You.
My, don't you look handsome.
Are you sure it's all right for me to go?
Please.
And if you order anything particularly delicious,
bring me the leftovers.
I can't remember the last time I dined in a restaurant.
I'd bring you half the meal if I thought you would eat it.
Off with you.
I have my cellphone if you need me.
Go!
All right then.
Please don't think I'm some sort of sex addict.
In fact, it's been rather a long time.
The same with me.
My sister and her lover will be out very late.
I can't believe they're in bed at this hour.
It's only nine o'clock.
I'm so sorry.
Well, what can you do?
Oh, no. Don't.
You're not here to work.
What?
We're supposed to be doing this together.
I'm not your patient.
I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.
It's... the way I am.
You've been a nurse for a very long time?
I suppose I've been a nurse
one way or another my entire life.
I had a much younger sister who was very fragile.
I took care of her...
but when she died I was away.
That must have been difficult for you.
I have nothing to feel guilty about.
I was on tour. I couldn't--.
I didn't mean to suggest...
Mon dieu.
This is Jan.
My sister, Maude.
Who's that girl?
Scarlett?
It's Vivien Leigh.
Who else would it be?
What did you say her name was?
Vivien Leigh. She's your favorite actress.
I'm sorry.
I'm afraid you're gonna have to turn it off.
Should I call Betty?
No, it's late. I don't want to bother her.
You want... some water?
Betty!
Stop it. Please. Betty!!!
Marianne is coming down with a cold.
We didn't go out.
But she took some medicine. She won't wake up till morning!
Yes. Okay.
The ambulance is on the way.
I'll call Jan on his cell phone.
It's all right... it's all right.
Shhh.
I think I'd better go.
No. Don't!
My poor little brother hasn't been laid in months.
Okay.
I'm going to go outside and smoke
and you have ten minutes to finish up.
I'm gonna ask you a few questions.
Mrs. Aronson, how old are you?
What a terrible thing to ask a lady.
I'm, um- I just had a birthday.
Didn't I?
Mrs. A, answer the question.
How old do I look?
Now remember, I have no makeup on.
Who's the President of the United States?
Abraham Lincoln!
Grandma, would you cool it?
Tell them who's the President.
Gil, I want you to go to bed. Right now!
I mean it! Right now!
Look, I forgot to take my medication.
This sort of thing happens to me.
I have no intention of spending the night
in some grotesque hospital emergency room.
End of discussion!
What's happened?
You're a little late, but everything's under control.
Where the fuck were you, asshole?!
I tried to call you!
You're the world's most rotten nurse.
Where the fuck were you?!
Look who's here. You missed all the action.
Our girl forgot to take her anti-seizure medication.
I had it all set up for you on the bureau.
I know you did. You were perfect.
If I were perfect, I would have been here
and none of this would have happened.
Poor Betty.
Go to bed and get some sleep.
What I need is a good shot of whiskey.
I don't know...
I just don't know.
What don't you know?
I had this brilliant master plan
that Gil and I would have this beautiful summer.
That's all I asked for.
I just don't know if I'm going to make it.
I'm beginning to think it was very selfish of me,
keeping Gil with me this long.
This is a very determined young man.
I know that he wants every minute he can have with you.
I don't think you should deny him that.
Jan is right.
Please, don't send me away.
I won't act silly anymore.
I'll be good. I promise.
You are good.
I'm sorry.
Shh... shh... you're a good boy.
Glenda, you gotta cut some layers into that hair.
That one-length Pocahontas look is so over.
I like Jan's hair just the way it is.
Life is about change.
I became a redhead at the age of 60.
My goal is to be remarried by the age of 60.
And if my boyfriend, Harvey, doesn't propose soon,
I'm gonna be a murderess by the age of 50.
Jan says only stupid people have to be paired off
like animals on Noah's ark.
- Does he really? - Yeah.
And after lunch today,
he's going to take me to Coney Island.
Oh, wow. Jan's hair is perfect.
Jan's taking me to Coney Island.
Jan knows everything!
Jan and Gil sitting in a tree, K-l-S-S-l-N-G.
That's not funny!
Yeah, take it back.
No. Make me.
Jan and Gil kissin1 in a tree—
Stop it!
Take it back or I shall throw my coke at you.
Hey, none of that in here.
I was just kidding. Can't you take a joke?
Take it back.
No.
Prepare to die.
You come near me with that shampoo
and I'll have you deported, you stale piece of danish.
What kind of salon is this?!
I am getting really mad!
This is totally filled with iced tea and you both know
I have got better aim than either of you.
Oh, yeah? Just try it!
Get him, Gil!
I'm a struggling divorcee trying to run a business here!
I'm sorry, Mrs. Nadel.
They were making you a human shield.
This is no way to run a business!
I know that! Oh, my God!
Hey!
I'll get you, you little runt!
What is going on here?
One!
Two!
Three!
Ahhhhhh!
You motherfuckers!
You Americans always want to be happy.
Why is it necessary to walk around every day
like a grinning village idiot?
Well, I don't want to be depressed all the time.
Life is full of questions.
If one reflects intelligently about them, one gets depressed.
Be grateful for five minutes of happiness twice a year.
Let's go in there! Let's get our picture taken!
How much does it cost to get your picture taken?
The two of you together?
Thirty dollars and you get two prints.
Wow! That much?
I guess we'd better skip it.
No.
This would make a nice gift for your grandmother.
I have some money.
And I'll put it in a fine genuine antique frame
for only an additional $25.
For you I'll make it $20.
Just the picture will do.
If the antique doesn't grab you, go contemporary.
We got aluminum, brass.
An elegant black is always a big favorite.
Just the photo.
You want the photo in black and white, color or sepia?
Definitely sepia.
Whatcha got there?
I want you to wear this?
You want him to be a confederate, huh?
And I'm gonna wear this. Do you have wigs?
Yeah, sure. Blonde, red, brunette.
Oh, you don't want to wear that.
I do.
This is for your grandmother. I'll find something for you.
Let me wear this. It'll be funny.
It's like we're an old time couple.
The kid's got imagination.
Here. This is much better.
Yeah, that looks real sharp. You look like a young cadet.
Look in the mirror. You'll like this.
I don't like this.
No, this is perfect.
Stop it! Forget the whole thing.
Gil!
You sure know how to kill a good time.
There are certain things we might find amusing,
that other people may not understand.
You need to loosen up.
Grandma says that's how you get a stroke.
Let's get our handwriting analyzed.
Dude? Are you okay?
Jan! Are you okay?
I'm not sure.
- Let's call a taxi. - I know the number.
I know it must hurt like the devil,
but it's only a slight sprain.
You've gotta stay off your feet for a couple of days.
Betty, fill a...
Basin?
Yes, fill it with some...
What the hell am I trying to say?
Warm water and Epsom Salts.
Right... now do it.
Aye, Aye, Captain.
You're going to have to sleep down here.
Gil, go upstairs and get some pillows, sheets and blankets
and Jan's pajamas.
No, no, this really isn't necessary.
You do as I say!
I'm the head nurse now.
Oh, I'm enjoying this.
You wanna play cards?
I'll teach you Rummy 500?
No.
You want me to scratch your back?
It'll really relax you.
Noo.
I know.
We can watch "Gone With The Wind."
Ja.
Gil, what is it you write all day?
I call them my "lives."
Are they stories?
They're more like outlines.
I go year by year and write down the story of a person's life.
So who is this?
This is Cassandra Lee Evans.
She's a great star of stage and screen.
She died last year.
Well, actually, all of them are dead.
Why do they all have to die? That's rather grim.
They have to die. The story has to have an end.
But some of them live to be very old.
Eleanor Stevens lived to be 98.
She was in silent films.
What was Cassandra Lee's fate?
I'm still working on it.
She was born in 1920 in Ireland, and I'm only up to 1946,
so she's 26 years old.
She was raised in an orphanage and at the age of 19
she was discovered by David O. Selznick -
and was even up for the role
of Scarlett in "Gone With The Wind,"
but she got raped and couldn't do it.
Did they find the man who raped her?
That's not really important, but during World War II
she entertained the soldiers and she fell madly in love
with her piano player.
And I think the night before they get married,
he's gonna get killed by a Nazi.
Perhaps he lives and writes her a show.
Yeah. Like a big Broadway musical!
And on the opening night, on her way
to the glamorous party, she gets raped in the taxi.
Wasn't she raped once all ready?
Well, I guess she could get cancer.
She gets a wonderful review.
That's boring.
No.
But you see, up till now she's only been
in the corps de ballet. This was her first solo.
Here it's the opening night party,
and the newspapers come in.
She gets a rave review. So she searches for her lover -
The piano player-- The composer!
Ja.
No one has seen him for quite some time.
She goes into the powder room to fix her makeup.
She opens the door and suddenly there he is -
kissing this woman she has never seen.
"Who is this woman?" she asks.
"This is my wife."
So she gets drunk and stumbles home.
And then, behind the Plaza Hotel,
a man grabs and rapes her.
Oh, Gil!
But then, she finds a gun in her purse and kills him?
Ja, she kills the bastard.
You have a very big knot back here.
That knot is ten years of Mrs. Abatelli
and her depilatory problems.
Are you wearing makeup?
What do you got, X-ray eyes?
No, it's just that your face looks so perfect.
Well, I'm in the beauty business.
Can't look like an old hag.
Besides, it's just a little "touch-and- glow,"
a little "here and there."
A little "kiss-me-quick."
Those magic fingers! Where'd you learn this?
When I was dancing, if someone in the company was injured,
I discovered I had a talent for easing their pain.
How do you get your lips so shiny?
It's a secret weapon.
Bonnie Bell Bubblegum Glitter Lip Gloss.
Can I try some?
Yeah. Just use a little bit though.
Towards the end of my marriage, I was involved -
well, let's just say it -
I was having an affair with the next door neighbor's husband.
I'm not proud of this, but, oh...
his sense of touch--
Lee, come outside and have a smoke with me.
An overture of friendship.
I may faint.
Jan, you don't smoke.
Well, sometimes grownups do very stupid things.
Gee, before I know it,
you'll be asking me to be your brunch buddy.
What the hell do you think you're doing?
What? What did I do?
Encouraging the boy to put on makeup.
We were having fun?
Have you learned that word in English yet?
F-U-N. Fun!
I am trying to prepare this child
to live with his relatives in Florida.
And yet you encourage this this camp behavior.
Do you know what will happen to him in his new school?
Do you want him to be ridiculed? Do you want him beat up?
This kid is who he is.
You're not going to change that by telling him
that being a queen is a fate worse than death.
I thought you were merely stupid,
now I begin to think you are evil.
You just wait a God-damned, old-fashioned American minute.
You have crossed the line here.
That kid is gay. GAY!
He is obsessed with old movie actresses.
He likes playing beauty parlor.
That was me when I was his age. And I bet it was you, too.
I don't want to hear a gay pride speech.
Listen to me.
I was told by my teachers, by my parents, by my brother
that I had to try to pass.
That I had to dress in a certain way,
that I had to take the queeny inflection out of my voice,
play sports I hated and was lousy at,
in order to protect me from being made fun of
or get beaten up.
I did everything they wanted, and I was miserable.
I hated myself more and I still got beaten up.
You live in a very pretty, gay fantasy world,
where if you are fabulous and outrageous,
everyone will love you.
Jan, if you take that wonderful kid who is so free
and expressive and you get him all self-conscious
and starting to dislike himself--
Well, in my humble opinion, that is a crime.
But you see, I don't respect your opinion.
You're a very silly person.
So you think that I'm a bad influence?
At least I don't go around encouraging him
to act like my boyfriend
because it suits my sick, twisted ego.
What's the matter? You can't take the truth, babe?
Don't misunderstand me.
I'm not a homewrecker, exactly—
Listen, Frigidaire, you can take your
neurotic self-hatred and shove it!
That is if there's room next to that icicle up your ass!
Hey! None of that in here!
Ow!
Be proud, Gil! Proud!
May I come in?
Grandma says you should change your bandage.
Gil, I don't need our help.
It's very kind of you, but I can take care of myself.
Why were you so mad at Lee today?
Nothing important.
Are you gay?
What?
Are you gay?
Ja.
So am I.
What do you think gay means?
I like pretty things, and making stuff,
and old movies and records.
Those are silly cliches. There's more to it than that.
You mean, liking guys?
So you find yourself attracted to other boys?
I don't know. I'm not sure.
Then why are we having this conversation?
Do you like being gay?
It's not a question of liking or disliking.
It's what I am and I'm fine with it.
Then what's wrong with me being gay?
There is nothing wrong if you really are gay.
But you're very young.
How old were you when you knew you were gay?
I thought I could talk to you about this stuff.
I am here for you.
I can do my best to be wise.
Can I ask you a really personal question?
No.
But I thought you said-
Goodnight!
I don't see why you have to move heaven and earth
to spend a fortune at that fancy hotel restaurant
when I could make a lovely lunch at home.
I have not seen my niece in three years!
I don't want Carol to see me as some pathetic, sick old lady.
All right, all right.
I have the cane. Just get my legs.
Thank you.
Here's your purse.
Now just get in the car and drive us to the hotel.
Are we ready yet?
I've been with the Mummers now for five or six seasons.
I started out painting flats and sewing the costumes,
and now they've got me directing.
You wouldn't believe the production we were able
to put on for a measly $5,000.
Of course, none of us were paid. We do it just for the fun of it.
But I tell ya, I delivered a "Damn Yankees"
that our group can be very proud of.
I can't believe the weight you've lost, Carol.
I can see your pretty jaw line again.
Aunt Ruth, you always say that.
I haven't had a weight problem since I was 18 years old.
I have the movie of "Damn Yankees" on DVD.
I love Gwen Verdon.
You have very sophisticated tastes.
Hey, Gil, you wanna go in the water?
Mom, we're goin' swimmin'. It's been a half hour.
It's been 20 minutes.
You've got another 10 minutes to digest that burger.
Carol, how do you find the time to work
and direct a large production while raising a family?
Well, it takes careful scheduling.
I've been raising myself since the second grade.
We only rehearse in the evenings twice a week.
What sort of work do you do?
I'm an executive secretary with Blue Cross Blue Shield.
What does your husband do?
Jan, you're giving the poor girl the third degree.
It's fine.
He's in ad sales. Don's on the road quite a bit.
But when we're all in one place, we make every second count.
We're also very involved at our temple.
Your side of the family is the religious side.
I don't think Gil has been in a syringe
more than once in his entire life.
What the hell are you talking about?
Aunt Ruth, I think you mean synagogue.
That's what I said.
We always celebrate Christmas.
Don't worry, so do we.
Mom, it's ten minutes. Can we go in the water now?
All right all ready. Go in the water.
Hey, hey, Speedy Gonzales. I want you to wear sunscreen.
- Mom. - You heard me.
I can't keep this one out of the water.
Turn around.
I'm giving you the 45 on your back and shoulders.
Gil. SPF 60... total protection.
That's enough, Mom.
Gil, come on.
Is that guy gay?
I guess so. Maybe.
I have this friend, Bradley. And we think he might be gay
because he's never really had a girlfriend.
I've never had a girlfriend.
That's okay, you're still a kid.
That Larry certainly is at home in the water.
He's a natural athlete.
And, thank God, his grades are good, too.
Will you excuse me?
That Jan is quite a character.
I'd be up shit's creek without him.
What's the matter? Aren't you getting in?
I can't jump into the water like him.
Come on, Gil, aren't you coming in?
Get in the water your own way.
And show your grandmother how you swim across the pool.
You know I can't swim a lap without stopping.
Just do it the way we rehearsed it.
I'm feeling sort of nauseous. Maybe I have food poisoning.
I'll do it some other time.
There may never be another time.
Head bowed... then up.
What's he doing?
Kick... two, three, four, kick!
I think he's swimming.
I didn't make it to the end.
You did better. You had showmanship.
Would this count as one of your five minutes of happiness?
What?
Oh, yes. I would imagine it would.
You did very well.
Nice save, Bro.
It was a miracle!
Was that really you swimming?
You were like the star of the Aquacade.
You know, you're gonna be okay after I kick the bucket.
Are you sort of... ready to go?
Almost.
I'm looking forward to a nice long sleep
with no nightmares.
But you know...
it might get very rough at the end, sweetie.
I... won't hold it against you if you want to go
to Carol's early.
No, I want to be with you.
I was with my father when he died.
I held his hand and he asked,
"Are you still there? I can't see you anymore."
And I said, "Yes, Papa. I'm here."
And he took a deep breath and he was gone.
There are certain memories that remain very precious.
It's a comfort.
They were all out of that soy bean crapola.
I need to talk to you guys.
What's the matter? Is your grandmother okay?
I had this idea for something
that would really cheer Grandma up.
I want to give her a wonderful night.
There are two things that I know she'd really like.
First, I want to give her a big lobster dinner.
She'd never eat a lobster dinner.
She can hardly keep down chicken broth.
Maybe she'll have a couple bites.
And the other thing is I'm writing a play
and we're gonna put it on here, in the backyard.
Who'll be in the cast?
That pretty little blonde girl down the street?
Her mother told me she models.
I don't want strangers in it.
I want you to star in it, and Glenda and Lee.
No, not him. He's coarse and vulgar.
He's not a serious person.
I want him. This is my show.
So, when are we gonna do this dinner theatre?
I think it should be very soon.
Well, we got the wigs. Given.
And my friend Chubby - Glenda, you remember Chubby -
he works at the costume place in town
and he told me if I ever needed something to just call him
and he'd hook me up.
We can get hoop skirts, velvet capes, anything.
I know what the costumes should look like.
Remember, this is an undersea fairytale.
It's about Neptune's daughter.
I've got a brilliant idea!
We could move the whole thing to the banquet room
at the Lobster Shack.
It just had a complete makeover!
Honey, you'll love it. It's a camp.
And I'll pick up the tab. I insist.
I appreciate your enthusiasm, but Gil is the director
and he has his own vision of the mise-en-scene.
All I was trying to--
Just listen!
We start at the bottom of the sea in King Neptune's garden
and his daughter finds a jewel that's been lost for centuries.
And this jewel is magical,
and it reflects the vision of your one true love...
I know this is gonna be just as I imagined it!
Shhh. You'll wake up your grandmother.
My sister who had a doll that was dressed much like this.
I love it.
You know, we might have to stay up all night.
If we must, we will.
Don't put on too many sparkles.
Lee tells me you're moving to Florida.
We love Florida.
Every summer we go down to South Beach for the White Party.
We have friends down there.
Randy, that's not right.
You're stretching it way too tight.
It's supposed to swag.
Oh, shit!
Randy, remind me, we have to go down to the basement later
to get this really nice armchair that I want
my grandmother to sit in.
I don't want her sitting in that horrible old wheelchair.
I'll fix it, sir.
I can fix it.
Glenda and I are planning a trip to the Bahamas
over the holidays.
Where is that?
The Bahamas. Glenda loves it there.
This house is like a three-ring circus today.
Betty, is there anything I can do to help you?
You just sit there and look pretty.
It's easy to feel pretty when you've got
a handsome man sitting in your kitchen.
Oh, it's Hurricane Gil.
Stop it. I'm in a hurry.
I just want to hug you.
I can't believe you've done all this for me.
You're just A-Number One in my book.
You know that?
Okay, I love you, too.
Now, I gotta go.
Fucking Fuck!
I can't believe this! Fuck me!
You're trying this on for the first time now?
I didn't think it needed any special attention.
And now I can't get it on my big fat head.
It's a mannequin wig.
You know mannequins have pin heads.
You're not helping me, Glenda.
What am I going to do? I've ruined the whole play.
Hold on one second...
Is it going? Is it gonna go on?
It's not working.
Damn it! Get it off!
Sweetie, sweetie!
Maybe it would fit...
if you removed your hairpiece.
I'm not wearing a hair—
It's on permanently.
Give me the wig.
- He's cutting the wig! - Shhh.
- He's butchering the wig! - Shhh.
Bring me a strip of elastic and a needle and thread.
You look fantastic!
Ta da!!!
Whatcha got in there? The Sunday Times?
It's all me. You've seen me in my Speedo.
Oh, yeah.
Go like this.
Okay. It's time to start.
Lee, remember, we changed the blocking.
You cross all the way stage left.
- Shall we proceed? - This is it.
Lee, cross all the way stage left.
Right.
Left.
Yes. This is an emergency.
Please send an ambulance!
You look pretty.
You wanna sit outside for a while?
I want to wear my new raincoat.
It's not raining out.
I'm not going out without my new raincoat.
What are you talking about?
Billy, be serious.
Don't make me mad at you. I'll slap you.
Mrs. A., this is Gil.
I know my brother.
I'm gonna be mad as hell if you don't get me my raincoat!
It's in the armoire.
What armoire?
Right there.
Okay.
What are you doing?
We're finding your raincoat.
What?
I don't know what you're talking about.
I'm very tired.
I'm sorry. I have to go!
She's gone.
What?
She died.
I missed it?
When did she die?
Some time during the night.
I can't believe I missed it?
I wanted to be with her when she went.
But you were.
No... No, I wasn't...
I was asleep.
You don't... You just don't get it!
Go away.
Betty is driving Gil to the airport tomorrow.
And I go my way.
I don't have an address.
Save it, Sweetie.
You're not gonna be writing us any long letters.
Do you have another assignment lined up, Miss Poppins?
No. But I'm driving out west.
I've lived in the mountains. I've lived by the water.
But I've never lived in the desert.
Everybody's ditching us, Lee.
Florida sounds nice for Gil.
I know he likes his cousin Carol.
Well, what he says and what he feels...
What are you suggesting?
Well, let's just say, it's not what I would
have chosen for the boy.
What's wrong with her?
It's not that anything is wrong with her,
although one could say that she has a busy job
and does the amateur theater. Her husband is never around
and her own son runs all over the place.
Maybe it's fine, but...
maybe it's not the best thing.
So you're saying that you think you'd make
a better parent for the kid?
Is that what you think I'm saying?
Ja, maybe I would make a better parent than some
distant relative who hardly knows him.
Yeah, you're what every child dreams of for a Daddy.
He learns from me. I'm good for him.
So just shut up, Lee.
You're so defensive.
You don't know anything about me or what I can or cannot do.
You're missing the point, dear.
Mrs. A was a very smart gal.
I think you need to accept that her choice was very thought out.
His grandmother didn't know me when she made her plans.
She got to know you.
Well, perhaps she was wrong.
And I'm wrong, selfish,
to let this child go off to live with strangers.
Jan, this is cuckoo thinking - unrealistic!
Why do you talk to me like this?
She's talking sense.
I have to leave.
Just be careful before you rush into anything!
That's all I'm saying!
Thank you both,
for your friendship and your faith.
Maybe I shouldn't even take all this crap.
I wonder if I'll even have my own closet.
Stop packing for a moment.
I suppose you've realized that it's not very likely
that we'll ever see each other again.
Yeah.
I'd like us to go on being friends.
How?
There are ways, if you really want it.
You want me to come visit you?
I want you to live with me.
Are you serious?
Ja.
I believe that would be a good thing.
You want to be my father?
I'm a very responsible, serious person.
Did you ever talk this over with my grandmother?
No.
But I think she would approve.
Wow.
Move with you out west.
That would be kind of amazing.
How are we gonna get there?
I'm buying a car and I'm going to drive.
I'm assuming you haven't mentioned anything
to cousin Carol.
No. Not yet.
I wanted to ask you.
I'm not so sure she's just gonna bow out.
She was really into this.
She's being very generous, but perhaps she'll be relieved.
Gee, thanks.
You know what I mean.
All my stuff's already been sent to Jacksonville.
She can send your things to you.
Where?
You don't exactly know where you're going.
I have people we can stay with until we find our own place.
I'd have to go to school.
We'll find you a very good school.
Didn't you like Carol?
She seemed like a good person, well meaning,
but you don't know what she's really like.
You think she was putting on some kind of act?
You just don't know people until you live with them.
And her son, you have to admit,
you have nothing in common with him.
He was nice. I liked him.
He seemed like someone who could be very... intolerant.
No, he didn't.
Grandma really looked into this.
She wasn't just gonna throw me into some strange situation.
She always made the right decisions for me.
Always.
I'm not disputing your Grandmother's choices.
I was finally feeling really good about living
in Jacksonville, and now you're getting me
all insecure and making me think
Carol's going to tie me up and beat me
and cousin Larry's gonna call me names.
I'm not suggesting any of that.
You are!
And I'm supposed to just get into a car with you
and travel to the middle of nowhere?
It would be an adventure.
Don't you think people would think it's...
a little weird?
Weird?
Why do you say weird?
This guy and this boy... living together.
You know what I mean.
This isn't like you, Jan.
You're a very serious person.
That's what I need to be now.
Well, it seems you have your plans
and are happy with them.
That's good.
It was wrong of me to toss all this new things at you
at this very late moment.
I just needed to be sure that you were content
with your arrangements.
Wrap each of those little things separately.
You don't want them to break.
Gil! Hey, Gil!
We thought we'd pop over to say goodbye.
We were wondering if there was gonna be any sort of service
or funeral for Mrs. A?
No.
She willed her body to science to be used as a medical cadaver.
Well, that's a... very noble thing to do.
Yeah.
Glenda and I brought you a little something.
This is gorgeous.
For when you write your masterpiece.
I also threw in a bunch of samples.
Bath salts, clarifying toner.
Thank you.
You're gonna stay in touch? You have our e-mail addresses?
I'll really gonna miss you both.
We'll meet again.
If not in Jacksonville, then Timbuktu.
Let's go, Mister. It's time to hit the road.
Where's Jan? I haven't seen him all morning.
You didn't look inside his room? It's empty.
He just left without saying goodbye?
Sounds like him.
- Take care of yourself! - Have a safe trip!
And drive slow.
- Send postcards! - Don't take any wooden nickels!
Goodbye!
Betty, pull over!
You left without saying goodbye.
Don't you have a plane to catch?
Why did you do that?
I had many things to do this morning,
errands to run, before I catch my bus.
I stopped by your room before I left but you were asleep.
Yeah. I guess I was.
Well...you'd better get started.
You want to get to the airport early.
Yeah.
I brought a lot to read.
Well... goodbye.
Good luck.
I think things should go very well for you.
Thanks.
You too.
I hope you find more than five minutes of happiness!